The nature of sex
By Tom and Karen Quiner
We had a reader pose the following question.
“I was wondering if you have a post that explicitly addresses how you believe Christians who experience same sex attractions should live their lives in terms of romance? I’d be interested to know if you think they should attempt a heterosexual marriage or just remain celibate.”
Great question. Thanks for asking.
Let us preface the answer by acknowledging that this will be like Greek to a non-Christian. But we believe the answer applies to everyone. There is one God, and He is the God of all. He loves us all without condition and wants everyone He created to spend eternity in His embrace.
The short answer is that we believe those with same sex attractions should remain celibate.
Here is the long answer.
Sex is not the ultimate expression of love. The ultimate expression of love is sacrifice.
Men and women were created differently for a reason. They were created to complement each other.
God made sex for two purposes: procreation and unity. If you remove one of these elements, it degrades the nature of sex, and therefore, degrades us as people. We are made of a body and soul: what you do with your body matters to your soul.
If you take away the bonding nature of sex, that violates the nature of sex, and degrades the person.
If you purposefully take out the procreative aspect of sex by homosexual acts, it also violates the nature of sex and therefore degrades the person. It goes against what God made sex for and what God made us for.
True love means to will the good of the other, even if, especially if, it involves a sacrifice.
What is this good? It is to always act with our ultimate end in mind — eternal happiness with God in heaven. We have to look out for each other’s souls since we are all part of the family of God.
Both heterosexual and homosexual people are called to live a life of virtue, a life of chastity.
Chastity for a heterosexual married couple means not giving in to a natural desire to have sex with other people. It means not removing procreation from the sex act. It means that although sex is physically pleasurable, it should be primarily about giving my entire self, body and soul, to my spouse.
Sex is a mirror of God’s love for us. Is is supposed to be free, generous, faithful, fruitful, — this is only possible in the Sacrament of Marriage, a marriage between one man and one woman. When the procreative side of sex is removed — like it is in homosexual sex — it has become reduced to pleasure and the couple is only using each other.
Someone who has same-sex attraction can absolutely love others, but that does not have to be through sexual expression.
Is this easy? Of course not! Can I personally judge a person for engaging in homosexual behavior? Of course not. Do I think that gay sex should be illegal? No. Do I think God loves gay people? Absolutely!
The best way I can love a person is to help them understand who we are, children of a loving God, and to help them get to heaven.
Thanks for doing a post on this.
“God made sex for two purposes: procreation and unity.”
I know you are Catholic so don’t need to have all your beliefs stemming from the Bible, but are there any verses that support this?
“Chastity for a heterosexual married couple means not giving in to a natural desire to have sex with other people.”
I don’t have sex with other people because it would hurt my relationship, and I know that attraction is fleeting. But my short, medium and long term sexual desires are taken care of in a marriage. I don’t think your chastity comparison is fair or compassionate.
Thanks for your response Violet.
Bible versus to support our position.(Genesis 2:18, 20). “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This verse sets forth the biblical pattern as it was instituted by God at the beginning: one man is united to one woman in matrimony, and the two form one new natural family. In this regard, “become one flesh” not only refers to the establishment of one new family but also to the husband and wife’s sexual union leading to the procreation of offspring. This, in turn, is in keeping with God’s original command to the first human couple to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion” over all of creation (Genesis 1:28).
The entire book of Song of Songs, or Song of Solomon is about marriage and what it means in God’s eyes. Pope John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body” draws heavily on Song of Songs.
Read Ephesians chapter 5.
You say that your sexual desires are taken care of in a marriage. What happens if one of you gets sick or has an accident and can’t perform sexually anymore. Then you are in fact called to chastity for the love of your husband.
You used the word “compassion”. The most compassionate thing I can do is make sure as many people I come in contact with know the love of God and follow the path He set out for His children. This is the only way to truly be happy and fulfilled. We were made for God and have a hunger inside of us that can only be satisfied with God. As the late French Playwright, Jacques Duval said, “Every man knocking on the door of a brothel is knocking (looking) for God.”
On another note, the homosexual lifestyle is not a healthy lifestyle. The incidence of mental health problems is higher and life expectancy is shorter for those living the gay lifestyle. How compassionate is it to encourage that?
This is a really interesting article about sacrificial love. I don’t know if I would necessarily advocate it, but it had quite an impact on me.
http://gawker.com/5917022/im-a-gay-mormon-whos-been-happily-married-for-10-years
Bottom line, we didn’t expect that we would convince you. None of what we said really makes any sense without a belief in Christianity but we appreciate the opportunity to post on this subject.
Great post Quiner’s! You do such a good job sharing the good news of Christ’s love. Thank you!
Thanks, Maggie: That piece was mostly Karen’s handiwork.