By Tom Quiner

It’s been a decade since the great Bob Hope died.

Below is a taste of his wonderful wit. Mr. Hope could be funny without being dirty. His humor is a breath of fresh air in these profane times.

Enjoy!

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ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only
Downhill.


ON TURNING 80

‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’


ON TURNING 90

‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’


ON TURNING 100

‘I don’t feel old. In fact,
 I don’t feel 
Anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.
 

ON GOLF

‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’


ON PRESIDENTS

‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HISCAREER

‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’


ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY

‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the

Stuff the audience threw at me.’


ON GOING TO HEAVEN

‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

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