By Tom Quiner

"What is the resurrection?"

“What is the resurrection?”

The preacher was famous for his sermons.

Even the faithful in the next county over knew of his prolific, seat-squirming eloquence.

Fire!

Brimstone!

You could count on these elements in each sermon, except for those that he directed at the children. He dispensed a more toned down rhetoric for the little Christians in his flock.

On this particular Sunday, the preacher made a foray into the New Testament for a change of pace. As much as he loved expounding on the Old Testament’s God of justice, he thought he should spend a little time talking about Jesus.

Mustering all of his brilliance, he distilled the essence of Jesus Christ into a one hour sermon dumbed down to a level a child could understand.

He talked about His virgin birth.

He talked about His parables.

The kids’ eyes were wide open when the preacher’s voice rose to the rafters and practically shook the roof off the church as he thundered about the Crucifixion.

And then he went silent.

You could hear a pin drop.

The preacher leaned forward. To engage the kids, he decided to ask a question:

“Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”

A little boy tentatively raised his hand.

The preacher smiled broadly and said,

“Yes, Bobby, tell us what the resurrection is.”

Little Bobby stood, scratching the back of his head:

“All I know is that if you get one lasting more than 4 hours, you’re supposed to call a doctor.”

[Adapted by Quiner’s Diner from an online joke someone e-mailed to me.]

3 Comments

  1. JoeC on August 22, 2013 at 11:13 am

    http://stillwaterswalking.blogspot.com/2013/07/american-christian-privilege-and-33.html

    I found this blog article (and the blog in general) worthy of being passed on. The author is a young black Christian living in southern Florida. It is well worth checking out. I hope you take the time to do so.

    • JoeC on August 22, 2013 at 11:26 am

      This is an excerpt from the above:

      1.You can expect to have time off work to celebrate religious holidays.
      2.Music and television programs pertaining to your religion’s holidays are readily accessible.
      3.It is easy to find stores that carry items that enable you to practice your faith and celebrate religious holidays.
      4.You aren’t pressured to celebrate holidays from another faith that may conflict with your religious values.
      5.Holidays celebrating your faith are so widely supported you can often forget they are limited to your faith (e.g. wish someone a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Easter” without considering their faith).
      6.You can worship freely, without fear of violence or threats.
      7.A bumper sticker supporting your religion won’t likely lead to your car being vandalized.
      8.You can practice your religious customs without being questioned, mocked, or inhibited.
      9.If you are being tried in court, you can assume that the jury of “your peers” will share your faith and not hold that against you in weighing decisions.
      10.When swearing an oath, you will place your hand on a religious scripture pertaining to your faith.
      11.Positive references to your faith are seen dozens of times a day by everyone, regardless of their faith.
      12.Politicians responsible for your governance are probably members of your faith.
      13.Politicians can make decisions citing your faith without being labeled as heretics or extremists.
      14.It is easy for you to find your faith accurately depicted in television, movies, books, and other media.
      15.You can reasonably assume that anyone you encounter will have a decent understanding of your beliefs.
      16.You will not be penalized (socially or otherwise) for not knowing other people’s religious customs.
      17.Your faith is accepted/supported at your workplace.
      18.You can go into any career you want without it being associated with or explained by your faith.
      19.You can travel to any part of the country and know your religion will be accepted, safe, and you will have access to religious spaces to practice your faith.
      20.Your faith can be an aspect of your identity without being a defining aspect (e.g., people won’t think of you as their “Christian” friend)
      21.You can be polite, gentle, or peaceful, and not be considered an “exception” to those practicing your faith.
      22.Fundraising to support congregations of your faith will not be investigated as potentially threatening or terrorist behavior.
      23.Construction of spaces of worship will not likely be halted due to your faith.
      24.You are never asked to speak on behalf of all the members of your faith.
      25.You can go anywhere and assume you will be surrounded by members of your faith.
      26.Without special effort, your children will have a multitude of teachers who share your faith.
      27.Without special effort, your children will have a multitude of friends who share your faith.
      28.It is easily accessible for you or your children to be educated from kindergarten through post-grad at institutions of your faith.
      29.Disclosing your faith to an adoption agency will not likely prevent you from being able to adopt children.
      30.In the event of a divorce, the judge won’t immediately grant custody of your children to your ex because of your faith.
      31.Your faith is taught or offered as a course at most public institutions.
      32.You can complain about your religion being under attack without it being perceived as an attack on another religion.
      33.You can dismiss the idea that identifying with your faith bears certain privileges.

      *8, 17 and 20 are a little weak, but the rest are spot on.

  2. Megan on August 30, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Ha…I was waiting for an analogy to the structure of the Bible overall…caught me off guard with that one.

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