Noah: "A bowel movement on celluloid"

By Tom Quiner

Russell Crowe
The verdict is in: I won’t be seeing “Noah.”
I’ve done my homework. The majority of reviewers I respect have made a compelling case that “Noah” suffers from a fatal case of bad theology and lousy cinema.
Political commentator, Steve Deace, characterized it as a “bowel movement on celluloid”:

“It’s clear Aronofsky [Noah’s director] had complete contempt for the source material, and then the studio got caught with its pants down once the die was cast financially. This movie is not an evangelistic tool anymore than the Last Temptation of Christ was. Frankly, it’s so over the top and confusing as a story telling device, your unsaved friends are likely to reject it for different reasons. It will seem silly and ridiculous to them, as atheism is to 98% of Americans. This movie is best flushed down the toilet, forgotten it was ever made. It’s a bowel movement on celluloid.”

Writing in Time Magazine, Ken Ham, President of Answers in Genesis and Future Ark Encounter, had harsh words:

  “Noah” is an insult to Bible-believing Christians, an insult to the character of Noah, and most of all, an insult to the God of the Bible. As a result, I believe Hollywood will have a much harder time in marketing future biblically themed movies to Christians.”

Blogger, Mat Walsh, dispelled the myth that you can’t judge the film without seeing it first:

“Christians: you’ll hear people insist that you can’t criticize the movie until you’ve seen it. Noticeably, the loudest voices in this camp are the ones who will (rather coincidentally, I’m sure) profit immensely if you meet their challenge.
Don’t bother.
You can hate this film without watching it, for the same reason that you can assume Citizen Kane is slightly superior to Need For Speed, without having seen either of them.
Just use context clues. Use your judgment. Use your money on something else.
Noah is a major Hollywood blockbuster, made by an atheist director best known for his previous flick where a mentally disturbed lesbian ballerina goes insane and bleeds to death on stage. Already, a critical person might be slightly concerned about his handling of the Bible, considering what he just did to the ballet.
These concerns grew from suspicion to reality before it was even released, when the man himself came out publicly and professed Noah to be both an environmentalist propaganda piece, and the “least Biblical” Bible film ever made.
He wasn’t lying.
But he forgot to mention that it’s also a terrible film.”

The opening weekend box office for Noah is projected to come in at a respectable $44 million.  The key  to a film like this is to attract a religious audience in droves. Noah may have a tough doing this in light of so much criticism. The next weekend should tell the tale.