A return to the Politically-Correct Coffee Shop

By Tom Quiner

“Come on, Tom,  live dangerously. It won’t kill you to experience a little diversity.”

My liberal friend, Libby, had dragged me to the Politically-Correct Coffee Shop. She was insistent that I enter the “Liberals Only” door.

“But I’m not a liberal. And the service stinks on this side. And it’s expensive. And they discriminate on the basis of race.”

Libby wouldn’t take no for an answer and dragged me through a door I swore I’d never walk through. As my eyes grew accustomed to the light, I saw that the menu had changed, and had become, against all odds, even more offensive:
Caucasians: $3 per cup
Asian Americans: $3 per cup
Hispanic Americans: $2 per cup
LGBT:  $2 per cup
African Americans: $1 per cup
Native Americans:  25¢ per cup
Undocumented Americans: 25¢ per cup

“This is ridiculous,” I muttered, as I forked over $3.
“Excuse me, mister,” said the disagreeable barista, “but that’ll be another fifty cents.”
“The sign says three bucks,” I responded testily.
“We are now charging an extra fifty cents to white men to compensate for the wage disparity between white men and women. We haven’t had time to update our menu.”
“Listen, there is no wage disparity, and besides, I’m  self-employed and don’t discriminate against anyone.  Don’t blame me.”
“I need another fifty cents, or you can leave.”

Libby glared at me, and I reluctantly forked over another half-a-buck.

The barista turned to Libby: “That will be twenty-five cents, please.”

(She didn’t say please when she demanded my money.)

“How come she didn’t charge you three bucks?”
“I’m a regular here. She knows that my great, great grandmother was part Cherokee Indian, so I qualify as a native American.”
“You have got to be kidding. You have seriously got to be kidding me. Don’t you find all of this discrimination repugnant?” I asked as me made our way to a table.
“Listen, Tom, you want to talk discrimination? Well just look at the racist way President Obama is treated just because he’s black. Have you heard what conservatives are saying about his State of the Union Address?”
“Well, yes … they disagree with his policies.”
“Yeah … well they call him a liar.”
“I suppose because he doesn’t speak the truth all the time. But listen, you need evidence to make a claim as serious as racism. Racism is an ugly charge. You are misconstruing political dissent with racism.”
“Nope … there is no other explanation for the ugliness conservatives are hurling at President Obama. There is no other explanation other than he is black.”
“Libby, didn’t you hear what the president said about Iran? He claimed that they have begun to eliminate its stockpile of higher levels of enriched uranium.  But they’re not. They’re merely converting it to an unusable form. And that’s a reversible process. The president really didn’t shoot straight on that critical issue. Folks are upset because of his lack of forthrightness, not his skin color.”
“Well, he is certainly on the right side of climate change.”
“I thought it was called global warming.”
“Where have you been, Tom? Everyone knows that the climate is changing because of man. Sometimes it’s hotter, sometimes its colder. But Obama will fix it.”
“Fix what, Libby? I know that Obama said the ‘debate is settled.’ But it’s not. There are no shortage of reputable, climate scientists who adamantly disagree. Nothing is settled.  So this is another reason why people didn’t like his speech last night. By making such an imperious claim, he is trying to stifle debate in order to impose his radical policies.”
“I’ll stick to my premise that Obama is being vilified because of his skin color.”
“Please, Libby, you have to offer concrete proof to make such a claim. EVERY president is vilified. I mean, President Bush II had people proudly and publicly making death threats against him. They’d hold up signs that would say things like “Save Mother Earth, kill Bush,” or “Bush is the disease, death is the cure. Liberals treated him awfully.”
“All I can say is that President Obama is doing a great job.”
“By what measure? The employment rate is the lowest since Carter. The economic recovery is a jobless one. More people gave up looking for jobs last month than got a job. And then there’s Obamacare. He vowed that we could keep our current coverage if we wanted to. Eighty-five percent of Americans like their current coverage. But he lied to us. Millions are losing their coverage, including me. I am bitter about the deceit used by the president and his party to cram Obamacare down our throats, and it has nothing to do with race.”
“Well, I’ll give you credit, Tom, for having some credible reasons for being disenchanted with the president. But most dissenters aren’t as informed as you. For them, they don’t like President Obama because of his skin color, and nothing you can say will change my mind. Now, I’m going to go get myself a free refill.”
“I’m afraid to ask, how much is my refill?”


No Comments

  1. violetwisp on January 30, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Reblogged this on violetwisp and commented:
    Please help this poor person. He is a rich white man in the United States of America and suffers terrible discrimination. I mean, I can scarcely imagine how difficult life must be for someone like him.

    • Lori on January 30, 2014 at 8:20 pm

      Can you elaborate on your point? You’re making some generalizations that I’m not sure are accurate (although it is true that he is white), and I’m certain I don’t understand your sarcasm. You’re saying he should have to pay more than everyone else because he is white? Or is there something else I have missed?

      • quinersdiner on January 30, 2014 at 9:04 pm

        It’s a play off of affirmative action scenarios, and the Elizabeth Warren scam in Massachusetts. I was being sarcastic about having to pay more because I’m a man, which is patently offensive. That’s the point. Most people would agree, unless they’re a liberal who embraces reverse discrimination in the guise of affirmative action.

  2. shirtlessiniceland on January 30, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Ha ! You nailed it.

  3. Shawn Pavlik on January 31, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Not a realistic scenario. In a realistic scenario, as one of the top 53% of wage earners (I assume you pay taxes?), you need to pay for someone ELSE’S coffee as well (i.e. the 47% who pay NO federal income tax). In fact, the change from the $5 you gave to the cashier will be given to someone else as well (Earned Income Tax Credit).
    Did you catch the yahoo story on school lunches? Here’s a link to the CNN story. While I disagree with the methods they used, the real point is people are still trying to get something for nothing.

    • quinersdiner on January 31, 2014 at 9:52 am

      Of course you’re right. The liberal approach is so convoluted and immoral.

  4. Lori on January 31, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I understood your point, Tom; I was questioning the comment left by violetwisp.

    • quinersdiner on January 31, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      Oh, sorry. I’m just a privileged, rich white guy who just doesn’t understand women;-)

      • roughseasinthemed on February 20, 2014 at 7:18 am

        Clearly. But it’s not women you don’t understand (although you may well not), it’s discrimination and privilege that seem to be a little low down your pecking order.

  5. […] [For new readers to Quiner's Diner, you can get up to speed on my past adventures in the Politically-Correct Coffee Shop here, here, and here.] […]

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